I Just Don't Know How You Do It

One thing we Army spouses hear a lot is, “I just don’t know how you do it.”

As a relatively new Army spouse – just three and a half years now – I have never really been bothered by this sentiment, but it will often elicit groans and eye rolls from more seasoned spouses.

To me, it’s just a different way of saying, “I really admire you,” or, “You are so strong.”

Perhaps that’s the problem.

People don’t come out and say, “I really admire you,” or, “You are so strong.” Instead they say, “I just don’t know how you do it.”

“I just don’t know how you do it,” can come across as dismissive – as if Army spouses simply wave a magic wand to cope with the hardships that are part and parcel of this lifestyle – or, worse, pitying – as if we were destitute and our position entirely unenviable.

The notion of magic discounts all of the hard work we put in to stay strong and carry on. The notion of pity discounts our pride in staying strong and carrying on.

Take, for example, when I emptied and reset seven mousetraps while my husband was deployed. I wish I had a magic wand for that! As my brother talked me through the process on speakerphone, I shrieked and winced. It was not an enviable position and certainly one I wouldn't have picked for myself. But I did it and I was incredibly proud of myself. That's my war story.

Just like our Soldiers, we fight in the face of uncertainty, fear and heartache. But our fight is different. We manage households, Families and homes.

We do so as best we can, even when our best consists of refusing to change out of our pajamas and devouring ice cream straight from the pint. (That constitutes a serving, right?)

What we do as Army spouses is hard. Frankly, I don’t know how we do it, either. We just do.

But what’s the alternative? To not do it? To not love our Soldiers? To not take care of our Families, our homes, ourselves?

I have my breakdown moments, but the world does not need me eating ice cream out of the pint in my pajamas as a permanent way of life. So I pick myself up, dust myself off and do my best to be Army spouse strong.

How do we do it? The same way everyone else does. We keep going the best that we can.