Why Zombies Make Bad Lovers

When it comes to the world of romance, zombies are like short, fat people. They are simply not seen as leading men and women. As a result, zombies often get relegated to supporting roles in action and drama genres. While some organizations, such as Friends of the Undead (FU), call this bigoted stereotyping and typecasting, scientists have found behavioral and biological evidence that the role of the undead is simply not a good fit when it comes to romance.

Zombies have poor impulse control.
Imagine Edward Cullen as a zombie. Do you think he could have waited to be with Bella sexually as long as he did if he were a zombie? While vampires and zombies both enjoy infinite lifespans, vampires have a sense of time, according to Dr. Margaret Lehman of the Institute of Humanic Lifeforms (IHL). Lehman says, "[vampires] can conceptualize past, present and future" unlike zombies who only have a sense of the present. Zombies, she says, live in the now and feel the urge to satisfy all survival instincts in the immediate moment. While Edward, as a vampire, can imagine a future with Bella, his zombie counterpart could only see the flesh in front of him.



Zombies are unrelenting.
During courtship many species enjoy games of cat and mouse, which can infuse a relationship with excitement. Switching roles between pursuer and pursued, especially early in a relationship, allows each partner to gauge their own interest level as well as that of the other. However, zombies do not adopt the typical behavior patterns unique to the pursued. Always on the offensive, zombies are disinterested in playing these "higher cognitive relational games," according to zombie therapist Marshall Waters.

Zombies often travel in groups.
It can be difficult to approach a zombie when her or she is constantly surrounded by other zombies. Val Carmichael, author of Is It Necromania If They're Undead?, explores many of the hardships humans face – from ethics to mechanics – when attempting to partner romantically with zombies. "Groups of zombies can be intimidating," Carmichael concedes, and it can be difficult to find one on its own. "Without that crucial one-on-one time, a person does not have the opportunity to establish a more intimate connection with his or her zombie counterpart."

Zombies moan, but not in a sexy way.
While in the throes of lovemaking, a few well-timed moans or grunts from your partner can heighten the moment. "But continual gutteral moaning and grunting can be overkill," reports sex therapist Miranda Cordon. Moans are also often done with closed lips, as if savoring a particularly tasty morsel. However zombies often moan constantly, without vocal variation and with slack jaws, according to the IHL. "Unless a couple is engaging in dirty talk or mutually stimulating vocal lovemaking, a lack of subtlety, such as what we have observed in zombie lovemaking, can ruin the moment," Cordon says.

Zombies are contagious.
While scientists, such as those at the Center of Zombie Disease (CZD), are quick to point out that contagious illnesses, such as herpes, do not prevent partners from safely and successfully coupling, the zombie virus is so highly contagious and reactive that the chances of not contracting the virus are virtually zero.

Zombies are always trying to eat you.
In our own informal poll on Facebook, we found the adults and teenagers alike reported this behavior as being off-putting and uncool.

While great strides have been made by short, fat people in media, it seems the odds are not similarly stacked in zombies' favor. "We have lots of questions and barriers," one researcher from FU who preferred to remain anonymous told us. Experts continue to weigh in and zombies, as they often do, continue to push. But this war, which is no lovers' quarrel, is far from over.